Xiahou Dun Answer Letters
by giantdaisy
Summary: That one-eyed guy writing letters to everyone while chaos is happening. Inspired by Cao Cao Answer Letters and Sima Yi Answer Letters.
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by Cao Cao Answer Letters and Sima Yi Answer Letters.

You can also send a letter to Dun by the review.

Enjoy.

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Indeed, I can see that your hair is cleanly shaved.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

I have no idea, cousin. Perhaps, is it Cao Pi?

Whoever it is, I am willing to kill them for you.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Xiahou Ba did it while you were asleep?

Huh…

(unsigned)

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

Run for your life.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

Yes, yes, take your father with you too.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

The reason is…uh…

I think you will lose your hair if you stay any longer, Ba.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

You're not supposed to say 'challenge accepted'

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

Why the hell are you sending me blank papers?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhou Yu,<p>

Now what's with these papers that smelled like alcohol?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Please, do not shave Ba's hair.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

No, I'm not in love with Ba's hair.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

I am not in love with Ba either, I'm not gay nor a pedophile, cousin.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

Please, do not force me to eat grapes now.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>(the paper has some purple liquid)<p>

Cao Pi,

Yes, thank you for the grapes that you shoved right into my face.

(unsigned)

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

I have no intention of beating you with wearing all-purple. This is simply because of Cao Pi's grapes.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Yi,<p>

'Lord' Cao Pi's grapes. Alright. (it's not like you call him like that anyway)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

That was a nice drawing, thank you.

(this guy is acting weird)

* * *

><p>Xiahou Dun<p>

Zhou Yu,

I have no idea about who sent the blank letters, as it was obviously from YOU.

What, are you retarded or something?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhou Yu,<p>

Don't go calling me meanie just because I called you a retard.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhou Yu,<p>

What?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhou Yu,<p>

So, the one who sent blank papers(and the alcoholic one) is Gan Ning, and the one who sent a drawing and calling me meanie is Xiaoqiao simply because they want to make me as well as the whole Wei army confused?

You should be glad that they're not Wu's strategists.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

No, I don't know how to grow hair quickly. And I don't think asking Zhuge Liang is a good idea, cousin.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

You're asking me why?

Obviously because he's our enemy. Duh.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Fine. Just don't shave Ba's hair.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Master Zhuge Liang,<p>

Greetings to The Sleeping Dragon, the fearful dragon, the smart dragon of Shu. There is no one alive that could match you, nor there's anyone dead that could. And for you to marry someone based on her brain, that is so wise.

Helping Liu Bei and led him to benevolence, if you were not there, what could've happen to Liu Bei?

Inventing a lot of things, there is no wonder that the Shu army is strong enough to face Wei.

Your fabulous fan, the benevolence of Zhuge Liang.

So, do you know how to grow hair quickly?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhuge Liang,<p>

There is no way I'm giving Xuchang to you in exchange for it.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhuge Liang,<p>

Not Hefei either.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhuge Liang,<p>

Not my eye either, you douchebag.

(unsigned)


	2. Chapter 2

Dear cousin,

It seems like Zhuge Liang won't tell the way unless…we give him….something…

Dun

* * *

><p><p>

Cousin,

No, you're not giving Xuchang to Shu.

NOT WHEN I'M STILL ALIVE!

Dun

* * *

><p><p>

Cousin,

No, I don't have any sexual attraction towards Xuchang. As you can see, I'm human and Xuchang is a part of the earth…or whatsoever.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that! Please tell me before I regret everything.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Just wait a little bit more. Xun Yu knows the way. So don't go shave Ba's hair.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BALD?

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Cao Cao shaved it? Why don't you resist?!

Oh, don't tell me you accepted the challenge.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Look, cousin, you have your hair back! So why Ba's hair?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Why are you not replying?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

COUSIN!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

Please ask Xun Yu to grow your hair.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

I'm not a pedophile, Ba. It is simply because I care for you.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Why do you insist that I'm a pedophile?!

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Yuan,<p>

You too?! What did I do to reserve this?

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xiaoqiao,<p>

You do know that I'm your enemy, right?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xiaoqiao,<p>

You do. Good. So what's the use of asking this?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xiaoqiao,<p>

The answer is clear. I'm not mean to Cao Cao simply because he's my Lord. I serve him, he's my cousin. And you, you're not, so.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

What do you mean Wu is advancing because of me?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sun Quan,<p>

What did I do?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

Because Xiaoqiao wanted you to?

Heh.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

No, I didn't realize that you had some pedophile feelings for the two qiaos.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

Yeah, I realized. Now go back home and cry to your supposed-to-be-dead daddy.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

Oh, I will not tell.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sun Jian,<p>

You do know that your son, Sun Quan, has some..you know, wrong feelings?

He's a pedo.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sun Quan,<p>

I swear I didn't. But I do wonder who did, though.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

Yes, even the news of Lianshi trying to kill you because of the news, has reached Wei. I wish Lianshi a good luck.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

And yes, the news about Sun Jian trying to replace you with Sun Ce has reached Wei. I'm afraid I can do nothing.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Huai,<p>

I see, so the reason Ba insisted that I'm a pedophile is because he knew about Sun Quan and mistakes me as him….

Just how the hell did this happen? I don't even look like him.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

So why were you ignoring me?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

You want Zhuge Liang's shampoo?

Wait, you didn't answer my question! Why Ba's hair?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

For God's sake, I'm not gay nor a pedophile! And cousin, don't you think the 'gay' one is closer than you think? I mean, Guan Yu?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

No, not Zhang He.

Nevermind.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Yueying,<p>

I would be glad to have the shampoo, as my Lord desperately wants it.

But, I hope you don't add some special poison, since, we're your enemy in case you forgot.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xiaoqiao,<p>

Uh..a panda? Thanks, I guess?

Oh, I think Zhou Yu tells you a wrong information, because the place where men can marry men, it's in Shu, not Wei. (Although we have some gays here….) Be friends? Eh…sure….

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Chu,<p>

Does pandas tastes good? Can you cook them?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xu Chu,<p>

Whose panda? Mine, I think? (Well since she gave it to me, then it's mine, right? I can do what I want with it.)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xu Chu,<p>

Yes, of course you can eat it.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I have panda meats, let's feast.

Dun


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Zhao Yun

I'm not the person for counseling, if you have some justice fight with Ma Chao, I don't really care. I have something more important to care about. (Like someone else's hair)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhao Yun,<p>

It's not because I'm mean. Go have a justice fight or blahbah.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhao Yun,<p>

Please remember that I am your enemy, and I don't want you to go to Wei just because you want my opinion.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

So Zhao Yun is here to meet me?

Kill him.

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Chao,<p>

I don't know where Zhao Yun is.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Ma Chao,<p>

I see, you wanted to say sorry to Zhao Yun but he's nowhere to be seen. You two sure make up fast, but no, I know nothing about Zhao Yun's whereabouts.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Ma Chao,<p>

He is obviously not here. Perhaps he got killed by some tigers?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Ma Chao,<p>

No, don't go to Wei.

DO NOT GO HERE.

Zhao Yun is not here.

HE IS NOT HERE.

And no, I am not acting suspicious.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

Ma Chao is advancing, please take care of him for me.

(unsigned because he's in a rush)

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

I challenge you to fight Ma Chao and bring him to me.

(also unsigned)

* * *

><p>Dear Dian Wei,<p>

Ma Chao is advancing and is going to kill our lord.

I know you know what to do.

(unsigned either)

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Zhu,<p>

Get Ma Chao and you get free meat!

(blah, unsigned)

* * *

><p>Dear Wang Yi,<p>

Ma Chao is advancing.

MA CHAO IS ADVANCING.

So…

I also know you know what to do.

(nah, unsigned)

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Chao,<p>

Sometimes, they love to play with each other and catch any suspicious man around them. It is obvious that I did not tell them to catch you. And I told you not to go here, did I not?

So, that's why you're hiding in a pit right now.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Ma Chao,<p>

I'm afraid I can't help.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Ma Chao,<p>

Just because.

(he doesn't want to sign it)

* * *

><p>Dear Wang Yi,<p>

Oh, you got Ma Chao and you beat him to a pulp.

Your mighty and beauty in the battlefield always inspire me. Thank you.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

What do you mean he got away?! I don't accept excuses, get him before he gets out of the castle and meet Ma Chao!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

No, I'm not telling you to prevent Zhao Yun to get out of the castle then goes to Shu to meet Ma Chao. You had one job.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Wang Yi,<p>

You beat him to a pulp? Yay.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhao Yun,<p>

I don't know where Ma Chao is, but I'm glad that you can get home safely.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhao Yun,<p>

Why would you think that I'm suspicious?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhao Yun,<p>

I'm just doing my job, you don't have to know where Ma Chao is.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Wang Yi,<p>

Zhao Yun surprise-attacked you and he takes Ma Chao with him?

Oh, well. I don't care anymore.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Wang Yi,<p>

You sure care because you hate Ma Chao. But I don't, so.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhao Yun,<p>

Yes, please go and take Ma Chao! Fly as high as an eagle, and have freedom!

Oh, you make up already? Yes, yes, go and have a justice make out or justice marriage as well.

I do not care if you got away.

I repeat, I do not care.

And what's with the ':p'? is it some kind of code?

Xiahou Dun


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Yuan,

Wow.

Wow.

How does 'she' looks like?

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

Why, thank you. This is the first time you prove that you're actually useful.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

You're now a girl! I have a niece! Let's feast!

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Why do you look so angry?

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

I now have a niece! I should be happy! And you, young lady, if you don't smile then I will tell your father.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I have a niece!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Yuan,<p>

I have a niece! And 'she' is your 'daughter'!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

I have a niece!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

I have a niece!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ling Tong,<p>

I have a niece!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

I have a niece! Now, comeback to Wei because you're our strategist, not Shu's.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

I'm not being weird, 'niece'. I am simply telling everyone a good news.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

What? Ba wants to be a boy again?!

No, don't let him!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang He,<p>

Er, sure? As long as you don't…molest them?

Anyway, I have a niece!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

No, you can't take Ba as your concubine. I doubt she will want it, though.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Yuan,<p>

Ba is nowhere to be found?!

Oh, I think I know where she is…

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xu Shu,<p>

I know that Ba is there, with you in Shu. Now go home with her!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xu Shu,<p>

You do remember that your family is still here, right? (HAHAHA)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

How can you heard my evil laugh from your office?

Dun

* * *

><p>[AN: To be honest, i dont know where the image of Xun Yu being 'un-useful' came from, was it from Sima Yi Answer Letters or Koei gave that image to him? lol]


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Cao Pi,

No, I will not kidnap Lu Lingqi for you.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

First, because you have Zhenji. Second, because I love my life.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

Whoever said I will do anything to you?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

You're my Lord only if Cao Cao is dead, nephew.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Survey? What for?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Oh well, I will do it.

Dun

* * *

><p>1 . Are you a pedophile?<br>No.

2 . Are you sure about your answer in question number 1?  
>Yes.<p>

3. This is your last chance to correct your answer.  
>I am not a pedophile. Sun Quan is, remember?<p>

4. Do you prefer Cao Cao or Xiahou Ba?  
>(unanswered)<p>

5. Can I marry your 'niece'?  
>After my dead body.<p>

6. Have you ever going gay for Cao Cao?  
>Uhm…no?<p>

7. Do not lie. It is unallowed for you to lie in this survey.  
>I didn't tell a lie, yet.<p>

8. Xiahou Yuan shoots fifty arrows in a minute. How many arrows he would've shoot in five minutes?  
>Yuan can't shoots fifty, his record is twenty-eight arrows in a minute.<p>

9. If there are ten archers, each having three arrows, how many arrows are you going to have if they were to shoot your eye?  
>None because I would dodge.<p>

10. If I'm thirsty, will you get me a glass of water?  
>Yes, of course. What kind of question is this?<p>

11. From one to ten, how much do you love Cao Cao?  
>Eight.<p>

12. You gay.  
>Uh…<p>

13. From one to ten, explain how clear you can see with your left eye.  
>One or zero.<p>

14. From one to ten, explain how awesome Cao Cao is.  
>Seven.<p>

15. If your answer from question fourteen is under eight, please fix it in this section.  
>Eight.<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

I have no family member to sacrifice as I love them a lot, especially my niece, Ba. But I do have a wish so I will sacrifice Cao Ren.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Chong Wei the Envoy,<p>

All I can remember is he reeks of alcohol and I do not want to remember more.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Chao,<p>

Oh.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Ma Chao,<p>

I clearly told Zhao Yun that I am not the person for counseling, but perhaps he didn't tell that to you. And if you have another justice fight, just say sorry like what you did before.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Ma Chao,<p>

No! Just because I told you to say sorry doesn't mean I'm a counselor. It was simply something I randomly write because I do not care.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhao Yun,<p>

If you go to Wei again, I will make sure that I cut your head off.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhao Yun,<p>

I don't want you to step in my house and I don't want to see you outside the battlefield, end of story.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ma Dai,<p>

I would go to Shu in a good mood and watch this 'bloodbath fight' between Ma Chao and Zhao Yun that, even Liu Bei can't stop them. But unfortunately, I have a survey to do.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>16. Below will be the questions to prove that you're ready to fight the enemies. Answer yes if you're ready!<br>Yes.

17. Lu Xun does a surprise attack and is going to burn an ally base, what will you do?  
>Tells him Lu Meng is in danger, or kill him before he does the burning.<p>

18. Sun Quan and Lianshi jumps into the battlefield together. What is the best thing to do?  
>Talk about Sun Quan's feelings towards the Qiao sisters and stay back as Lianshi tries to kill him.<p>

19. Xiaoqiao is on for fights, what will you do?  
>Prevent you from greeting her and get her a panda in exchange she retreat from battlefield.<p>

20. How to defeat Liu Shan?  
>Do nothing as he surrender by himself.<p>

21. Xu Shu is running away to Shu! What will you do?  
>Reminds him about his family.<p>

22. Xingcai is here, what will you do?  
>Gives her Cao Pi. [an: reference from the tumblr blog creeper-xingcai.]

23. What will you do when Ma Chao and Zhao Yun advance on you?  
>They are in a fight. Stand back and watch them having a bloodbath fight.<p>

24. You got isolated by both Wu and Shu, what will you do?  
>I'm Xiahou Dun. I can take care of them. Ha.<p>

25. Lu Meng goes alone to advance on you.  
>Tells him Lu Xun is in danger.<p>

26. And if he doesn't believe you?  
>Kill.<p>

27. Lu Bu is here! How are you going to pursue him?  
>I don't.<p>

28. I run out of questions. Will you go to Shu? I run out of shampoo and I need Lady Yueying to make it again.  
>No. What if I get killed?<p>

29. I thought you can take care of them by yourself?  
>Oh, right.<p>

30. And I know you left one question unanswered. Answer it now or never.  
>Fine, neither.<p>

31. Bonus question. Why neither?  
>Because I can't choose.<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

What the hell is Lu Lingqi doing here?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

You didn't kidnap her, right?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

Why. Would. You. Do. That?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

Alright. I myself can do unexpected things when I'm bored, like eating my own eye. But nephew, this is the daughter of Lu Bu we're talking about.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

Lu Bu is here? Well….

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Lu Bu is here to take back his daughter.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Have you read my answers to the survey? I said I don't pursue Lu Bu!

Dun


	6. Chapter 6

Dear cousin,

It wasn't me! Your son is the one who dragged Lu Lingqi here, thus causing Lu Bu advancing on us and create these mess.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

It's because your son's a spoiled brat, duh.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Lu Bu,<p>

We didn't harm your daughter, please go home in peace.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Lu Bu,<p>

I can't read your letter. Perhaps are you writing in anger?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Lu Bu,<p>

We can end this with everyone alive. And I still can't read your letter.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cai Wenji,<p>

Can you write this letter in a better handwriting and proper grammar?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cai Wenji,<p>

You can't understand it either? Fine.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Chen Gong,<p>

I thank you because you translated Lu Bu's letter in a proper handwriting. And I can see that he wants everyone dead.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Chen Gong,<p>

Please tell Lu Bu that we should postpone the war between us, as we have to prepare our army since, we haven't gone to battlefield these days and they're…well…not so high in morale.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I lied to their strategist and successfully drive them out. We're safe, for now.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

This is not the time to be drinking tea with Cai Wenji! We must prepare!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Zhao,<p>

What the hell is this?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Zhao,<p>

You don't know? Can I watch it? (this could be something dirty hehehe)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>(the letter below are the letters that everyone sent to Dun)<p>

Dear Dun,

Where are you? I haven't see you these days, I need you to prepare the armies.

Cao

* * *

><p>Dear Uncle Dun,<p>

Come on, tell Xun Yu to change me back! He won't do the spell unless you tell him to. And where have you been all these times?

Ba

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Dun,<p>

How was the movie? I wasn't able to watch it since father didn't allow me to.

Sima Zhao

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Dun<p>

I heard Wei have to postpone our war again since you're nowhere to be seen. Comeback and let us have a manly fight, vermin!

Chen Gong

* * *

><p>Xaho Doon<p>

Komback u fermeen! Lemme kat u to haf! (comeback you vermin! Let me cut you to half)

Loo Boo

* * *

><p>Dear Dun,<p>

I heard the reason you were gone is because Sima Zhao gave you a weird something. I bet it's something dirty! Comeback and let's talk about it.

Cao

* * *

><p>Dear Dun,<p>

Hey, where are you? Let's prepare the war, come on!

Yuan

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Dun,<p>

I heard from Lord Cao Cao that you got something dirty, let's watch it together!

Guo Jia

* * *

><p>Xaho Doon<p>

Wat da hell didja watch? I wanna watc too.

Loo Boo

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Dun,<p>

Sorry not sorry because you became the next victim of that thing. I do enjoy your reaction, though.

Sima Yi

* * *

><p>Xiahou Dun,<p>

But I also am surprised that you didn't vomit like we did, and instead got speechless and ran away to somewhere unknown.

Sima Yi

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

That's not what happened. I simply throw the DVD away so there will be no more victim.

(some blood on paper)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

It was nothing. You should not watch it. And about the war, I'm ready.

(some blood on paper)

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

The blood? Eh…I cried blood.

(some blood on paper)

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Because I watched something….

(some blood on paper)

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Zhao,<p>

Your father is so nice to not allow you watch the movie. That's very surprising.

(some blood on paper)

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Chen Gong,<p>

I'm back! I'm ready!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Chen Gong.<p>

What? Lu Bu saw me throwing a DVD and takes it with him? What happened?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Chen Gong,<p>

The whole army watched it together and….they cried blood?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Chen Gong,<p>

Means there will be no war. HAHAHA GOODBYE VERMINS!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Chen Gong,<p>

No, please don't tell Lu Bu I called his army vermins. His army are all vermins except him.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>I have no other choice than to find out about Human Centipede to answer the letter. Dun's reaction was much likely my reaction after I read the plot of Human Centipede. I didn't cried blood. But it's still...horrifying...<p>

I can't really think for a story in this chapter as the word 'human centipede' keeps flowing through my mind. Lol i can't stand scary things.


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Gan Ning,

Please don't write when you're drunk.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Your favorite movie? HAHAHA.

Well, apparently I threw the DVD away and it's currently in the hands of Lu Bu. I bet he threw it away already, though.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

What the hell?! Give me back my niece!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

Are you alright? Did Chunhua molest you or something? Reply ASAP.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Oh. She didn't? I thought she's in for some women, maybe you're not attractive enough, Ba.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

The DVD? I told her I threw it away already.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

You want to trade the DVD in exchange for Ba? But it's with Lu Bu, and I do not pursue Lu Bu.

I repeat, I do not pursue Lu Bu.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

I've got no choice, huh? Tsk.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Lu Bu,<p>

Do you….have my DVD?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Lu Bu,<p>

Oh I forgot you can't write, forget this.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Chen Gong,<p>

Does Lu Bu has my DVD?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Chen Gong,<p>

He threw it away? I knew it.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Chen Gong,<p>

I need the DVD to get back my niece. Can you help?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Chen Gong,<p>

No? As expected.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Yuan,<p>

Help meeeeee

Dun

* * *

><p>Yuan,<p>

I need this damned DVD in order to get Ba back! She's your daughter, don't you know Sima Yi's hot wife kidnapped her?

Dun

* * *

><p>Yuan,<p>

Ba's a she, Yuan. She's a female.

Dun

* * *

><p>Yuan,<p>

I knew Ba's in the Jin kingdom roster but….It's still sounds like Zhang Chunhua kidnapped her.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Chen Gong,<p>

Please ask Lu Bu where did he threw the DVD.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Chen Gong,<p>

You know I can't ask him myself, he can't write. I bet you know that better than me.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Loo Boo,<p>

Do ya remember wer didja trew dad dvd? (chen gong said I have to write like this, so….)

Xaho Doon

* * *

><p>Loo Boo, (he actually understand this!)<p>

I need dad dvd asap. I hav 2 get back my niece.

Xaho Doon

* * *

><p>Lu Bu,<p>

You remember? Where?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Loo Boo,<p>

I mean, u remember? Wer?

Xaho Doon

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu, (damn why does it have to be Guan Yu)<p>

Do you…..have my DVD?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Yes, I hate you, but doesn't mean I won't sent letters. Do you have my DVD?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Why would your kids enjoy that damned thing?! I was only reading the plot and I cried blood! What, are your kids superhuman or something?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

You're not supposed to be honored.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Give me back my DVD.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Damn, I have to write a lot just to get back a single thing that wasn't supposed to exist in our time yet.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yinping,<p>

Give me back my DVD.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yinping,<p>

You know you have it. Now give it back.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Give my DVD back.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Xing,<p>

Come on, give it back already!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Suo,<p>

Give me back my DVD you girly.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>(after trying to convince the Guan siblings by sending a hundred letters, it was useless and Dun lost hope as he tire himself out of writing)<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

Why did you have such stubborn kids?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Again, you're not supposed to be honored.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

Did Zhang Chunhua molest you?

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Not that I'm a perverted…If she does then it means you're attractive enough and usually girls love to be attractive!

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Will you give me back my niece already? The DVD is really hard to get but if you want yourself to be frustrated then ask Guan Yu's childrens for it.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

You're not even kidnapped? This is a misunderstanding? But….

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

...

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

I know you're bored since Sima Yi is busy with his works and you can't shove him to god-knows-what right now but, please don't trick me like this again.

Xiahou Dun

PS: I won't be fooled again!


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Xu Zhu,

No, you may not.

Wait, it reminds you of meatbuns? And I thought I looked like Gohan.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Shi,<p>

What meatbuns? I don't have any meatbuns.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Shi,<p>

What are you doing? STOP.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Shi,<p>

I seriously don't have any meatbuns! Stop eating my hair, it's not a meatbun!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

Your son is eating my hair because he thought it was a meatbun. Please take him back to Jin.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Shi,<p>

Why are you so stubborn? If I said it's not a meatbun then it's not a meatbun.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Shi,<p>

See, you can't even eat it. It's not a meatbun!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

So…I heard from Sima Yi that Zhang Chunhua kicked you out. Girls are not supposed to stare at another girls' chest, okay?

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Well, if they're lesbians…nevermind.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Oh, this? I see that you didn't recognize him. This is Sima Shi trying to eat my hair.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Apparently he thought that my hair is a meatbun, soooo. And no, you're not asking Xun Yu to turn you back to a boy.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Watch your mouth, young lady! You're not supposed to call me a bad man, I'm your uncle!

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Ba? Reply my letters!

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Yuan,<p>

Ba hates me now? What the hell did I do?!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

I see Ba everyday, I do not need pictures of him because Ba is cuter and prettier in reality than in pictures.

So, when should I go to Shu? What should I do?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

The DVD again? Why the hell do you want that damned thing?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Nope, not doing it.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

What? Ba is stripping every women in the castle?!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

Hey, hey you! That's not a good thing to do! You!

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>*no replies from Ba* (oh my God he's not answering)<p>

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Eh….I don't need to stop her? But cousin, it might be a pleasure for you but I think the women will try to kill Ba. Kill-Ba! This is Ba we're talking about.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

You don't care? Oh well….

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

You won't stop until I allow Xun Yu to turn you back? But….

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Why bother turning back into a boy? Being a girl is amazing, isn't it? You won't have an extra flesh in your lower part!

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

It's not that I hate my thing! It's just….It's complicated.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

He's now ripping everyone's clothes with his teeth? NOOOOOO

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

MY INNOCENT LITTLE NIECE, STAHP.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Watch your mouth! I'm not disgusting!

On second thought, I did sound disgusting.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Ba ripped Wang Yi, Cai Wenji and even Zhen Ji's clothes? And why does your letter have some blood in it?

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

I know, I know! Don't kill him just yet! And I know you actually enjoyed it.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

He's now starting to rip off the men's clothes too? Okay, okay, I will stop him.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

I now allow you to turn Ba back into a boy. Forget our contract.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

Yeah, that contract. Our agreement about letting you to surpass Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang as long as you do not turn Ba back into a boy, forget that thing. (it's not that I can do that to him anyway)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

Forget it, will you? Do you seriously think that I can do that to you?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

There. You're now back into a boy. Please stop ripping people's clothes.

Uncle Dun (teardrops on the letter)

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

No, nope, no way in hell I would be crying.

Uncle Dun (still more teardrops)

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I'm not crying. And where are you?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

You ran away because you're scared of Ba? Huh…

Then how did you know I was crying?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Oh, dang. Dang it. I never said I was crying, forget that previous letter!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Do you…..still have those pictures?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Not that I want it….

Okay I want it. What do I do?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

The DVD? Fine!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Oh right. This is your son hanging on my back trying to eat my hair. I almost forgot about him.

Xiahou Dun


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Gan Ji,

(Who's this guy? I had a feeling he will be another Xun Yu) Sure? But why don't you try it on Guan Yu first?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

So….How do you feel?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

HAHAHAHA, "I'm the Goddess of War" AHAHAHA

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

No, no, no. There is nothing wrong in being the goddess of war, my lady.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ji,<p>

Wow it worked! Can you try it on my nephew too?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

Hello?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

Well, our relationship is just enemies and enemies. Nothing more than that.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin, (an: ha, I didn't even think about the armored clothes when writing that scene)

I need these to look like Gohan. Without this hair gel I'm not Gohan anymore.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Gohan is...that yellow-haired guy?

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

You want to be more than enemies? What, super enemies? Sworn enemies? Sure.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

…No.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

NO.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

No means no! Why would I want to be your bestfriend?! Please remember that I'm your enemy!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

You suddenly have this weird feelings when writing to me? Okay, say no more.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Don't call me Yuanrang.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Not Dun either. Just call me Xiahou Dun or how you usually call me.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Oh you don't remember? You called me One-eyed Pervert Freak all the time.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Uh…..no need to feel sorry…

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ji,<p>

Hey, hey you. Can you turn Guan Yu back to normal? PLEASE?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

Take away all of Guan Yu's writing skit. Don't even let him send anything to me.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Liu Bei,<p>

No. No. I don't know why did he became a female. And I don't know why he blushed everytime he sees you. Perhaps, you were wrong. His face is naturally red anyway.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Stop.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Stop sending me pick-up lines, will you? There is one thing to remember, I HATE YOU.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

I don't care if you cried! (wait that sounds mean. But whatever)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Oh. You like me, huh? Is this a love confession?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

It IS a love confession…..? But I was just kidding.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

My answer is no. End of story.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ji,<p>

STOP THIS AGONY. Comeback and STOP THIS AGONY.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Liu Bei,<p>

Will you ever stop Guan Yu from sending stuffs to me?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Cousin, why are you jealous?! Why choose Guan Yu before all the women we have in Wei?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

No, don't hate me just because Guan Yu like me!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu<p>

I HATE YOU. Stop writing to me.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Fei,<p>

Guan Yu cried because of me? I wonder if I care.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ji,<p>

Comeback, dumbass!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

Oh you replied only when I call you dumbass, eh? Anyway turn Guan Yu back to normal.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

Why?! I thought you were the one who casted the spell, didn't you?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

You can only cast it and not undo it? What kind of junk is this? Why didn't you tell me earlier?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

Hello?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

Er, yeah, sure. Whatever.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

I only said 'whatever' not 'I love you'

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

(right I will just not reply his letter. Why didn't I think of this earlier?) Farewell, Goddess of War!

Xiahou Dun


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Guan Yu,

Will you please stop? My mail box is filled with just your mails!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

You're not supposed to be honored. And it's not like there is nothing but your mails in my mail box, I'm sociable.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

No, no need to. You will get hurt.

Wait, 'your niece'…..?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Yuan,<p>

(is this Gan Ji doing? But he said he only gives a wish for each person. Then who wished Ba to be a girl…?) I have no idea, Yuan. I know it's not Xun Yu, though….

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I know! But I can't help it, cousin. Let's just wait until I change my hairstyle in DW9.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

What?! But I thought you were going to give it to me! You lied to me!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

And about Pi trying to marry Ba, you can't fool me anymore, woman!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

In case you don't know, those are supposed to be mine.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

I'm your uncle, remember? Just because I served you for a while and is a subordinate, don't forget that I'm your uncle.

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

I'm going to remind you in every single letters.

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

You used to beg me for food when you were little, don't you remember?

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

Go away, Guan Yu!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

No I don't want to build a snowman! It's not even winter yet.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

Hey, you said you look like both sexes so…can you come here for a while?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Yi,<p>

It's nothing serious. Really.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Yi,<p>

Just come here, will you? I have cookies.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Yi,<p>

(I've got no choice) Fine. But here are your cookies. They're almond.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Oh your husband is knocked out already? Let me borrow him. It's Lord Cao Cao's order.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

And about Zhang He, I don't really care. If he dies then he won't ask me to wear female dresses anymore. Tell your son that I'm thankful.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

Hey, hey you. I knew this guy who loves to wear my clothes. He has been lying in the middle of China. I don't like you, but he does. You can think of him as my replacement. Go to him and leave me alone!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

I don't know why are you suddenly in the middle of China and Guan Yu started chasing you when you woke up. Farewell.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

(One problem's cleared! Now for the other one….) You're not marrying Cao Pi, right? RIGHT?

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

I swear, he's no good of a man, he's a spoiled brat. Beside, he already has Zhen Ji.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Oh, you're not? Good.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

Don't even try to touch Ba.

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

She said yes to a date? Just the two of you? WHY?

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhen Ji,<p>

Your husband's cheating! Kill him with your damn flute now!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhen Ji,<p>

You don't care? How could this happen? I thought you love him?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhen Ji,<p>

Your love to the Prince has been questioned. You can prove your loyalty by unallowing Pi to have a date with Ba.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhen Ji,<p>

Yes, that's it.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

In your face!

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

Yes, this is how an uncle supposed to act. Don't complain.

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Can you please prevent Sima Yi from writing to me? He keep sending complain about Guan Yu.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

I don't know what happened between them.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Yay you don't hate me anymore! Hate Sima Yi because he took your Guan Yu.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Xing,<p>

What, what are you watching? I did nothing. And what are you doing here?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Xing,<p>

Hahahahaha. Guan Yu? Who's Guan Yu? I know no one such as Guan Yu. And I did nothing.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Xing,<p>

I did nothing, okay? Now he loves Sima Yi and not me.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

What? Ba is not a girl anymore?

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ji,<p>

The effect will only last for a day? But Guan Yu lasted for two!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

Ah well, I don't really care about Guan Yu. Let Sima Yi do the caring thing. Anyway, who wished for Ba to be a girl?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

I knew it!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

You spoiled brat!

YOUR uncle Dun


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Mao,

Mao! Is that you? It's been a while, isn't it? Sorry that I can't help you from the bullying peoples, I kept getting bullied too. And sure, I have these DW6 robes, it's in my room, just take it.

Your father

* * *

><p>Mao,<p>

Oh, and beware of Guan Yu. He might chase you when he saw you wearing my clothes.

Your father

* * *

><p>Mao,<p>

He chased you already?!

Your father

* * *

><p>Mao,<p>

Run! Just run! Try to run faster than Red Hare since he has that thing! Don't even let him sees you!

Your father

* * *

><p>Mao,<p>

Yes, just hide in whatever until he's tired of it.

Your father

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

You want to play? That's rare. Sure, come to my place. (and let me order you around)

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

I know, this is a mess.

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

Let's play a game. It's called Who Could Clean This Place The Fastest.

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

What? When did that happen?! Take off the ring, take off the ring!

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

You, no more games, get out of my place!

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

Don't play dumb.

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

You did nothing? Are you seriously saying that?

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

You tried to place a ring on my niece- nephew's finger!

YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

Ssshhh. Go away.

NOT YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Why does it have to be me?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang He,<p>

Your…..dress? (uh-oh, I got a bad feeling about this)

*attached is Zhang He's ripped dress*

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang He,<p>

Wha-what are you doing?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang He,<p>

Why are you staring at me in a creepy way?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang He,<p>

Shoo!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang He,<p>

I swear, I wasn't the one who ripped your dress!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang He,<p>

STOP UNDRESSING MEAHCOEBFBCIEUFA

* * *

><p>Dear Cai Wenji,<p>

Could you…..make me a new robe? The one I wore has been ripped off.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Cai Wenji,<p>

Don't ask.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

Where did you get that?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guo Jia,<p>

ANSWER ME YOU FAKE BLOND.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guo Jia,<p>

Why are you not replying….

Xiahou Dun (I hope he didn't give that pictures to anyone…)

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Uh…this is….I don't know! I have no idea! Why would I let Zhang He rip off my clothes until I got naked? This must be a trick from the enemy.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

I know Guo Jia is your favorite, but don't believe him for now.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Jia Xu,<p>

I'm not gay for Zhang He, alright? Stop asking me if I'm gay or not.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Li Dian,<p>

Not. Gay.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Yue Jin,<p>

NOT. GAY.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Liao,<p>

I'm not gay!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Mao,<p>

Son! How could you? You believe everyone else but your father? You're grounded!

Your father

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

He was mad because of this ripped dress of him, so he rip off my clothes in revenge, okay? I'm not gay.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Cao Pi,<p>

Why did I see you approaching Ba? Go away!

NOT YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Cao Pi,<p>

I'M NOT GAY.

NOT YOUR uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Yuan,<p>

I beg you, don't believe that shit.

Dun

* * *

><p>Yuan,<p>

It's just a picture!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

If you don't take all those pictures in an hour I will dye your hair black and shoot an arrow to your eye so that you have to eat your own eye!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guo Jia,<p>

I see that wearing an eyepatch would be an advantage to you since, the girls will like you more…Then forget the eye! I will dye your hair black or shave your hair!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I see, those pictures of Zhang He ripping off my clothes suddenly disappeared like wind. Isn't that good? Out of sight, out of mind.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

You were actually enjoy looking at it? Uh….

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Lianshi,<p>

Probably because he watched it already. You should watch the movie yourself then you'll know the reason of why he didn't want to watch with you. And no, I know nothing about Sun Quan's whereabouts.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sun Quan,<p>

…..What are you doing here?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

You do know that this is Wei, right? You could be killed anytime. By me.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

Cao Cao allowed you to enter the palace?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Why would you let him enter the palace? He's your fucking rival!

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

No, I don't mean 'fucking rival' by that…..it's….nevermind.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Anyway, why?

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sun Quan,<p>

You want to cure a trauma? What trauma?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

That movie? Ha, you're not a man if you can't watch horror movies!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

Me? Uh…I watched it. ('watched' the plot)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

Nothing happened. Hahahaha.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Quan,<p>

I cried blood.

Xiahou Dun


	12. Chapter 12

Dear cousin,

Call Xun Yu for you? Why? That's Guo Jia's job not mine.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

No one has ever seen him anywhere? He's probably drinking with Jia Xu again and got theirselves passed out.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Jia Xu,<p>

He's not with you? Huh…

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun,

The last time I saw him was when he tried to enter Xun Yu's office

Jia Xu

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I suddenly have this bad feeling…I can't go.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

He might be doing something weird again back there!

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

It…it might be the one that turned Ba into a girl…? I'm going! (wait then I would be the one who take the spell! Oh well…I'm already here anyway)

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

What's with all these lights that comes from your office?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

Y-you want me to open the door?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

I forgot how to open doors. Farewell.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

Wait DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR.

(unsigned)

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

Oh, it was just a misunderstanding? Hehehehe

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

Then why is Guo Jia over there being tied on a chair?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu<p>

NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING LET ME GO ASDFGHJKL

(unsigned, and the paper is somehow, mostly covered in ink)

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Why post this on Li Dian or Zhang He when I can post it on myself?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Zhang Chunhua,<p>

Oh it's because I love Guo Jia too.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear "Cao Cao's concubine"<p>

How cute. Can I take him as my own son? Beside, Cao Pi is my _lover_'s son, I can be his mom.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang He,<p>

What do you mean why this?! You were dating with Cao Cao all these times?! I….I'm speechless!

(unsigned)

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

You cheated on me with Zhang He! I don't believe this! We're over!

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Cao Pi is now my own son, of course he would call me daddy, or more like, _**mommy**_. He called you grandpa because you're an old geezer! Ha!

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

What happen to me? I'm fine, this is just the usual me.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

No, I have never changed! Even if I change, you will still love me, right? RIGHT?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

I told you, there is nothing wrong!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang He,<p>

Ah, ah, ah. I don't want to talk to you, you took my lover. Go away.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Li Dian,<p>

What's so wrong?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Li Dian,<p>

I'm just behaving like how I did everyday, why would you want me to change? Am I not good enough?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Li Dian,<p>

Geez, shut up. I'm ignoring you.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Li Dian,<p>

I'm ignoring you!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Li Dian,<p>

Don't ignore me!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhou Yu,<p>

This is so cute, say thanks to your wife. And hey, wanna go out tonight?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>*below are the letters peoples sent to each others, talking about Dun*<p>

Dear Xun Yu,

What have you done?

Cao Cao

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

Don't play dumb! You turned Dun into this…this….annoying girl!

Cao Cao

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

He acts like a girl and thinks that I've always been his lover.

Cao Cao

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

You don't need to know about my relationship with Zhang He! Just turn Dun to normal!

Cao Cao

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Dun,<p>

Uhm….sure, I guess?

Zhou Yu

* * *

><p>Xiahou Dun,<p>

Uh no I don't want to go somewhere private where it's just the two of us. Big no.

Zhou Yu

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Dun,<p>

Ha! It's the truth! Lord Cao Cao loves me more than he loves you! The hairpin he gave me is more adorable than the eyepatch he gave you.

Zhang He

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Dun,<p>

Don't steal my Lord Zhou Yu!

Xiaoqiao

* * *

><p>Xiahou Dun,<p>

He's mine! You have your Cow Cow already!

Xiaoqiao

Xiaoqiao,

It's Cao Cao! Do not insult my lover!

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun

L-lover? Eeeewwwww

Xiaoqiao

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

So Guo Jia has been acting like this too? I'm glad you tied him, don't ever let him go! Now turn Xiahou Dun back to normal!

Jia Xu

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

What is the cause of this?! Dun keep trying to kiss me and is trying to shove Ba everytime because he thought Ba is his rival in love! Stop this agony!

Xiahou Yuan

* * *

><p>Dear Xiahou Yuan,<p>

The cause is…uh…I have been talking to female ghosts these days….

Xun Yu

Xun Yu,

What does it has to do with this?

Xiahou Yuan

Xiahou Yuan,

The female ghosts has been possessing both Guo Jia and Xiahou Dun because they thought they're 'hot', sooooo

Xun Yu

Xun Yu,

Why didn't they possess you instead?! Wait-

Xiahou Yuan

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

Please don't feel so bad. It's not because you're not hot or cold, it's because….anyway just fix both of them already!

Xiahou Yuan

* * *

><p>Dear Yuan,<p>

Where are we going? To the beach where we have our dream house?

Dun

* * *

><p>Yuan,<p>

Why would you think that I'm disgusting?! I'm not going with you!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Li Dian,<p>

Where are we going?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Li Dian,<p>

Hey, I heard you whispered that I'm disgusting! I'm not going!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I'm not going.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

These guys keep saying that I'm disgusting, it is a disgrace to a lady like me!

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Oh, we're going to our dream house? Alright I'm going.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Wait this is not our dream house nor the beach…it's Xun Yu's office.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Explain!

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

You lied to me!

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Why are you tying me on a chair? Are you going to do something dirty?

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Too bad.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

What am I doing in your office? Why am I being tied? Why is Guo Jia acts like a typical white girl? Why are you two looking at me in disgust?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

There is no secrets with me. Speak!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

Hmph. I just hope that your spell didn't do anything wrong with Wei today.

Xiahou Dun


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Xiaoqiao,

What is this? What is the cause of you drawing this?! No one wants to tell me what happened! Perhaps….do you know something?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xiaoqiao,<p>

You won't tell me either? Fine.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I don't even know what is Cao Pi doing here nor I know the reason of why he's so small, he keeps calling me mommy! And sometimes, he calls me daddy too! And he doesn't want to get out of my house.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

I don't know! Maybe I'll know if you tell me about what happened, though.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

No? Fine.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Yi,<p>

Both of them? Gay? I wonder who they took it from….and how are you with Guan Yu?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Yi,<p>

No, I'm not gay. And just because I asked about him doesn't mean I'm taking him back, never.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Yi,<p>

I can refer Ba to 'her' because he's naturally cute as a girl! While Guan Yu….just no.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Yi,<p>

Wait you let the Goddess of War escape?! Why?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Yi,<p>

Well, you got a point there.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Wang Yi,<p>

You should have just kill him the moment you saw him! Now this Goddess of War is chasing me again!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Wang Yi,<p>

You can't kill an innocent lady? Are you really THAT Wang Yi?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Wang Yi,<p>

If you killed him, Ma Chao might come for revenge and while he's being out of it you can just kill him easily.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Wang Yi,<p>

Yes, you got a point. It won't be that easy.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Wang Yi,<p>

Don't just smile in amusement looking at me being chased by Guan Yu. If you're bored, help!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Wang Yi,<p>

I'm Xiahou Dun, I can write letters while running. Can't everyone?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Shi,<p>

Your…..'boyfriend'? Who are you referring to?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Shi,<p>

Cao Pi? Wow, I never know you had that kind of relationship.

Xiahou Dnu

* * *

><p>Sima Shi,<p>

I don't know why he became a kid. But I remember this guy sending the small Pi to me because Pi slept with his girlfriend. (wait is this really a good thing to say? Since…he's his girlfriend)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Shi,<p>

Don't go whining to me, talk to your boyfriend! I got something more important to take care of.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Shi,<p>

No, this is not my girlfriend! It's Guan Yu!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Sima Zhao,<p>

I don't know what's happening either, but they keep calling me gay.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Zhao,<p>

I'm not a real gay! No.

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun,

Then why are you playing romp with a girl?

Sima Zhao

Sima Zhao,

It's just….he's Guan Yu.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sima Zhao,<p>

I'm not gay!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Wang Yi,<p>

You just found out about that now? They're just mere rumours, but I don't expect you to believe such thing.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Wang Yi,<p>

How could you believe such thing?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

Come and take your father home! You don't want everyone else to see the God of War acting like this, right?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Ping,<p>

You don't care? But….

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Ping,<p>

He's your father! Without him being mighty or whatever you can't say something like "I'm the son of the God of War!"

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Ping,<p>

You will be just Guan Ping, huh? We'll see about that!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Ping,<p>

*attached is a picture of Guan Yu being super obsessive over Xiahou Dun*

Look your father(or mother) is being super embarrassing and if you don't stop him now you would be Embarassed Guan Ping and not just Guan Ping.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

Just go! Shoo! That kid's your son!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

You never know you had a kid?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

That's what you get because you've been stalking me these days.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Do you seriously thought that I don't know?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Whatever, just go back home with your son! Or he will be Embarassed Guan Ping.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

…(what should I say to make him leave?)You have a husband in Shu, his name is…uh…Liu Bei! He loves you for all of his heart and I bet he's still sad because you left him. I'm sure you''l be loved by him.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

(shit! This isn't working either?!) SHOO.

Xiahou Dun


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Guan Yu,

You're….pregnant?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Why would it be my child? I never ever ever ever did remember and we NEVER sleep together! (just thinking about it- I- with Guan Yu?! No!)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

I never gave my sperm to you either. (Ew.)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Perhaps, is it Sima Yi's? He took care of you before he let you escaped.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

Stop insisting that it's my child.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

You know, if it's mine, it should have only an eye.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

(shit he doesn't believe it) It's not my child, the moment we meet is only when you chase me, any other interaction is by letters. Meaning, it's not my child!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

I knew he's a woman, but it's still weird that he's pregnant.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

I will never relate to him as a she! Never!

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Because it's weird.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Nu Wa,<p>

Wait, you can take off his uterus?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Nu Wa,<p>

His, her, whatever it's the same.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Nu Wa,<p>

I can just ask Xun Yu to do it but he always do his job in a messy way.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Nu Wa,<p>

It's not that I'm worried about Xun Yu killing Guan Yu! Thinking about doing good things for him is….ugh…except that one dream mode where I have to help him rescue Liu Shan, I was, well, forced? (why bother recuing him? He's the one who put an end to Shu anyway)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Nu Wa,<p>

Just take off his uterus! Or abort the child, if it's really my child I will have no name anymore. Anything but having a child with Goddess of War.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

So, how do you feel?

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun,

Why the hell are you mailing me? I will chop your head off.

Guan Yu, God of War

Guan Yu,

You….you're not a woman anymore! What happened?

Xiahou Dun

One-eyed-nephew-freak, *alright this so not-Guan Yu-like*

I don't know what happened, the first thing I know is that I was rubbing my stomach in a caring way and I don't even know why I did that.

Guan Yu

* * *

><p>Dear Nu Wa,<p>

Why don't you tell me you could change him back?

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun,

You didn't ask.

Nu Wa

Nu Wa,

Great, all I did was trying to find Gan Ji everywhere but the one who could do it is actually here in Wei.

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun,

I'm not from Wei, I'm one of the Mystic.

Nu Wa

Nu Wa,

You're still in the Wei roster.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Why would you be mad that Guan Yu changed back to a man?

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guo Jia,<p>

No I didn't slept with Guan Yu. How did you know that thing anyway?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guo Jia,<p>

You saw me coming to his room? Ha, what room? He's standing in front of my house all night.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guo Jia,<p>

Yeah, I don't care if you met this woman who look like Guan Yinping. (wait, what?)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guo Jia,<p>

It was you, wasn't it?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guo Jia,<p>

If it's you I shouldn't have asked Nu Wa to change him back! I should just let you live in shame.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guo Jia,<p>

Are you stupid of what? Having a child with Guan Yu could be a reason to kill yourself.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guo Jia,<p>

It's just me? Oh.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Lu Meng,<p>

HAHAHA NOW YOU CAN FEEL MY AGONY TOO!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Lu Meng,<p>

Uh…he looks like his daughter?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Nu Wa,<p>

Did you change Guan Yu to a woman again?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Nu Wa,<p>

You didn't? Then…

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Xun Yu,<p>

Is it you?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Xun Yu,<p>

No?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Lu Meng,<p>

Well, he's chasing only you. May you have a peaceful life with your wife Guan Yu and your son Lu Xun.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Lu Meng,<p>

Wait I saw this something on my window….

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

What are you doing here?!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

You supposed to chase only Lu Meng, now go home and feed your son.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Yu,<p>

We can't, this is an affair! You're a disgrace!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Ping,<p>

What have you done all these time? Do you want to be Embarassed Guan Ping that you let your father escape?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Guan Ping,<p>

You want to? What is wrong with you?

(unsigned)

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ji,<p>

Where have you been? I've been trying to find you, you know.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

I don't really need explanation….Just go to Shu and change Guan Yu back to normal.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

By normal, I mean, change him back to a man.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

Are you blind? He's obviously became a woman again, thanks to you.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

So you thought he haven't change? That's why you changed him again with thinking he'll become normal? I appreciate your effort but please be more careful next time.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Lu Meng,<p>

Problem solved. I was thinking to visit your house and see you being lovey dovey with Guan Yu, though.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

No, it was nothing. I fixed everything.

Dun

* * *

><p>Cousin,<p>

Uhm….Why do you have long hair and…a dress?

Dun

Dun,

Of course because I'm a woman, duh.

Cao

Dear Gan Ji,

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

(unsigned)


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Sun Ce,

I was asking you because you may be friends with him, since both of you share an unbeatable bond.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Sun Ce,<p>

You don't? Well, just tell me if you saw Gan Ji.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Hong,<p>

You know Cao, he loves every ladies. Even the little ones(re: Xiao and Da) is also his targets. (Hm..but he's right now a she…who could be the concubine?) Who is it anyway?

Dun

* * *

><p>Hong,<p>

Xiahou….Ba?

Dun

* * *

><p>Hong,<p>

You're not going to fool me.

Dun

Dun,

I'm not trying to fool anyone. Apparently the female Cao saw Ba coming to the castle, she fell in love and thus, Ba became her concubine.

Hong

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

You broke your uncle's heart!

Uncle Dun (he just keep the letter hidden and didn't send it to anyone)

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

I heard you became Cao Cao's concubine?

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Why would you agree? He's still your uncle.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

She promised to give you a lot of things? Alright I won't ask anything.

Uncle Dun

Uncle Dun,

I'm sure when Uncle Cao returns to normal, I wont have to act as her concubine anymore. Don't worry, uncle!

Ba

*Dun's thought when reading the letter* (Not if Cao decided to ask Gan Ji to turn you into a girl..)

* * *

><p>Dear Pi,<p>

Not mad, it's more like sad. I just lost my niece. I mean, nephew. And…the 'daughter' of Cao Cao?

Your uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Pi,<p>

Oh, I forgot something.

NOT your uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Pi,<p>

You shouldn't forget about what happened between you and Ba. You tried to make him your wife!

NOT your uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Pi,<p>

And you're not a girl, snap out of it.

NOT your uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Pi,<p>

Why did I see you wearing a girly dress? Are you suddenly walking into a wrong path? Did you turn gay?

NOT your uncle Dun

NOT my uncle Dun,

I told you already, I'm a girl. A girl.

Pi

Pi,

But you're not supposed to be a girl! I remember that you have your thing when you were born, there's no mistaking it.

NOT your uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ji,<p>

Will you please stop? It doesn't have to be the people from Wei, right? Go to Shu or Wu and change their gender!

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

Oh, right, you already did it to Guan Yu. Then, Wu.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

And before that, turn my cousin and (not)nephew back to normal.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gan Ji,<p>

You need a sacrifice? What are you, Sima Yi?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhong Hui,<p>

I have a pack of this amazing shampoo. I heard you care a lot about your hair so, come here if you want it.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Guan Yu,<p>

For your beard to surpass the word amazing, why don't you come here and take this shampoo?

Your sworn enemy, Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ji,<p>

I got two, that should be enough, no? Now change them back.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

(I'm such a pro at solving problems, hmph) Glad to see you back, cousin.

Dun

Dun,

What, did I somehow goes somewhere or what?

Cao

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

Cao didn't remember a thing and you escaped with the gifts you received? Glad to see you back, niece- I mean, nephew!

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Pi,<p>

How come you're still a girl?!

NOT your uncle Dun

NOT my uncle Dun,

For the billion times already, I'm a girl and will always be a girl!

Pi

Pi,

This is strange! Change to your usual outfit and act like a spoiled brat, now!

NOT your uncle Dun

NOT my uncle Dun,

Act like a spoiled brat?! That's a disgrace! I will never do it!

Pi

* * *

><p>Dear Gan Ji,<p>

Seriously, are you another Xun Yu or what? My nephew is still a girl!

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun,

If someone didn't change to normal…then that means they've been acting like that since the first time.

Gan Ji

* * *

><p>Dear Pi,<p>

You're not a girl. You're just gay, you stepped into the wrong path. I sacrificed a person for nothing.

NOT your uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Pi,<p>

Stop insisting! Just admit it already. So who's the unlucky man?

NOT your uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Pi,<p>

No, go back to your room. You're grounded.

NOT your uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Pi,<p>

I'm not your father, but I'm still your elder. You're grounded.

NOT your uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Ba,<p>

You don't have any suspicious activity with Pi, right?

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Ba,<p>

Are you sure? He said both of you is…well….loves each other in a definitely wrong way.

Uncle Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Zhang Liang,<p>

You're supposed to be dead. And I dont know about your brothers' whereabouts. Probably they were turned into the opposite gender by some elder?

Xiahou Dun


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Sima Shi,

Oh, oh, I wonder what's happening here. Should I tell everyone?

Xiahou Dun

Sima Shi,

No? But you keep sending it to the wrong person. Even if I don't tell anyone I'm sure everyone already know.

Xiahou Dun

Dear Sima Zhao,

Here is..a letter from your brother. You should watch both of them closely.

Xiahou Dun *attached is Sima Shi's _forbidden_ letter*

Sima Zhao,

Oh, yes. I'm sure they've been getting a lot closer behind your back.

Xiahou Dun

Dear Wang Yuanji,

I'm not adding oil to fire, I'm simply watching the drama in satisfaction.

Xiahou Dun

Wang Yuanji,

That doesn't mean I love dramas, though.

Xiahou Dun

Dear Yuan,

You were from the woods? I suggest you don't go there, brother. There might be some kind of elder who change people's gender out of his stupidity.

Dun

Yuan,

I don't remember ever doing that to Cao Pi. And… 'she'?! 'your sister'?! I told you not to go to the woods!

Dun

Yuan,

No, you're not my sister. You're my brother! Snap out of it!

Dun

Dear Zhen Ji,

Your….wife? Her husband? What in the nuwa are you talking about?

Xiahou Dun

Zhen Ji,

I'm not! Why would I ever do that to Cao Pi? I have no use of trapping him, by doing that he will treat me like a slave and be a spoiled brat.

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun,

Oh Dunnie, stop pretending you don't like him.

Zhen Ji

Zhen Ji,

I'm just telling the fact.

Xiahou Dun

Dear Xun Yu,

I see that we're the only one that haven't changed gender in Wei, and are you sure you didn't do this? I knew you've been doing magical things even when unconscious.

Xiahou Dun

Xun Yu,

No, I don't want to hear the word 'no' from you. You have to be the one doing this, then it would be easier to undo the spell and get everyone back to normal. Even if it's not your doing, just try any magical spell that will turn everyone to normal. This is an order from a general. Do it or die.

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun,

Oh, come on, Dunnie. Both of us know you'd kill no one.

Xun Yu

Xun Yu,

This is humiliating. I'm a general! Ugh, just do it.

Xiahou Dun

Dear Chong Wu,

One, I didn't sent that, never. Two, I don't know. Three, I'm busy, this is not my business.

Xiahou Dun

Chong Wu,

Don't force me. I'm a general and I will kill you anytime.

Xiahou Dun

Chong Wu,

Yes, I will!

Xiahou Dun

Chong Wu,

Weren't you the one who made those yaois? You can't fool me.

Xiahou Dun

*Chong Wu didn't send any more question, since Dun guessed it right*

Dear Wei Yan,

My name is not XD, it's Xiahou Dun. Yuan's name isn't X Yuan, it's Xiahou Yuan,(not like this is important…)I don't have food. Go ask your foolish Lord Liu Shan or his father.

Wei Yan,

I said, I….dont…have…food! *talking the same as Wei Yan so that he would understand*

Xiahou Dun

Dear cousin,

No, I don't want to have a threesome with Yuan and you.

Dun

Cousin,

Not with Ba either.

Dun

Dear Xun Yu,

Can you turn them back now? Cao Cao keep sending me yaoi doujinshi about him and me! This is a disgrace, it need to stop.

Xiahou Dun

Xiahou Dun,

Oh come on, Dunnie. Both of us know you like it.

Xun Yu

F you, Xun Yu,

What, do you want me to kill you now? Or send your soul to Sima Yi? Work with the spell, now.

Xiahou Dun

Dunnie,

Don't be so scary, Dunnie. I love yooouuuuu

Xun Yu

Xun Yu,

Are you drunk?

Xiahou Dun

Dear Sun Quan,

I need help! Everyone in Wei changed to their opposite gender! Xun Yu tried to undo the spell but….he got drunk while trying one of his magical spell. I can't stand this anymore! They haunt me like zombies!

Xiahou Dun

Sun Quan,

Oh, right It's not like you can do it anyway.

Xiahou Dun

Dear Nu Wa,

This is one of the time where I'm glad you're on our side. Help me?

Xiahou Dun

Nu Wa,

What? Why not?!

Xiahou Dun

*Nu Wa never replies again*


	17. Sorry for not updating!

Dear Mitsuhide Akechi

What am I doing here?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Mitsuhide Akechi,<p>

It should've been "What are you doing here?" but what am I here?

Xiahou Dun,

You traveled to the future.

Mitsuhide Akechi,

You said it like it was natural.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Mitsuhide Akechi,<p>

Can you get me back to my time?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Mitsuhide Akechi,<p>

You can't? Lame.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Mitsuhide Akechi,<p>

In that case, show me where the Mystics is.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Mitsuhide Akechi,<p>

You can't? Lame.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Wait, you're here too? Only the two of us? Then we can continue to do **that**.

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Nobunaga Oda,<p>

I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Xiahou Dun,

It's okay. Though, I don't know you and that impostor of mine have been doing something incest all these time.

Nobunaga Oda,

Cao is not the impostor. You were born after him so you **are** the impostor. I was here because I traveled to the future, your **loyal** vassal told me so.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Nu Wa,<p>

Oh. There you are. I need help and I don't accept you to refuse.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Nu Wa,<p>

Get me back to my time.

Xiahou Dun,

Are you sure? Right now, there is some kind of chaos…

Nu Wa,

What do you mean?

Xiahou Dun,

All the **ladies** have been having war to prove who is the best woman of Wei.

* * *

><p>Nu Wa,<p>

I will stay here for a while then.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Kotaro Fuma,<p>

No, I don't know any kind of chaos. Even if I do, I don't want to travel back in time with you.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Kotaro Fuma,<p>

Then ask Nu Wa to get you to the Han Dynasty.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Gracia,<p>

No, I don't want to play. I only stay here for a while because I'm avoiding disaster.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Gracia,<p>

Why don't you play husband-wife with that lady-killer?

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Mitsuhide Akechi,<p>

All I did was mailing your daughter.

Xiahou Dun,

You make her marry that brat! *it's Magoichi, in case you don't get it*

Mitsuhide Akechi,

I didn't.

* * *

><p>Xiahou Dun<p>

Dear cousin, (he's just writing it, sending it to nobody)

Cousin, here in the Sengoku Period, chaos is still chasing me. The loyal vassal of Nobunaga tried to kill me because his daughter has been playing with a lady-killer. I want to go back to our time, but then again, a bunch of annoying ladies will try to kill me. And you're one of them.

Dun

* * *

><p>Mitsuhide Akechi,<p>

Stop pointing your katana towards me! If anything, you should've point your weapon to that lady-killer.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Mitsuhide Akechi,<p>

At least she's not pregnant. (not in the game)

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Mitsuhide Akechi,<p>

No, I never said she was pregnant. I did not. You're being overprotective of your daughter!

Xiahou Dun,

At least it's better than you being incest to your cousin and nephew!

Mitsuhide Akechi,

But father x daughter is the worst!

Xiahou Dun,

Your cousin and you is the same gender! So does your nephew!

Mitsuhide Akechi,

Not until I told Gan Ji to change their gender!

Xiahou Dun,

Incest! A disgrace to every gentleman!

Mitsuhide Akechi,

Pedophile! Overprotective!

Xiahou Dun,

In case you forgot, you're also a pedo, Mr. One-eyed man!

Mitsuhide Akechi,

At least I don't betray my Lord! Oh, how loyal you are!

Xiahou Dun,

Shut up! You would do it if you were me!

Mitsuhide Akechi,

No I wont!

Xiahou Dun,

Yes you would!

Mitsuhide Akechi

* * *

><p>*Dun ignores all the letters sent by Mitsuhide*<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Nu Wa,<p>

So, is it good enough there? Can you at least change all of them?

Xiahou Dun,

Sacrifice.

Nu Wa,

No.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Nu Wa,<p>

Because I'm a nice guy. Duh.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Nu Wa,<p>

Oh? You changed them already? Why, thank you.

Xiahou Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Kotaro Fuma,<p>

No, you're not going with me.

Xiahou Dun,

I want chaos.

Kotaro Fuma,

I don't have chaos.

Xiahou Dun,

Lies.

Kotaro Fuma

* * *

><p>*Dun ignores Kotaro's letters and goes back by himself.*<p>

* * *

><p>Dear cousin,<p>

Cousin! I missed you!

Dun

* * *

><p>Dear Nu Wa,<p>

You lied to me.

Xiahou Dun,

You didn't ask if I lied or not.

Nu Wa,

Why.

(unsigned)

* * *

><p>Sorry for not updating daily. Getting busy, so, don't really expect a daily update. Thanks^_^<p> 


	18. Not an update

I'm so sorry for not being active, next week I will be having the exam in which my teachers refer to sooooooooooo important. Well, it is indeed, important. After another week, I will be having my holiday and that's when I will try to post the answer letters and another story. Though I have been thinking if I should change it to Yu Jin AL or stays as XD, Yu Jin is awesome, after all. Please tell me your opinion, if i should change it to YJ or stays as XD^^

And when I post another chapter, please dont expect any gender-changing letter because I'm so sick with that thing, its so boring now.

Well, see you guys :)


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